Last week, I introduced y'all to Hayley from Funny Mom Stories. I'm happy to have her back today for Part 2 of "Where Babies Come From"!
After a few days at home with a baby, you start to wonder what other people out in the world are doing. You’re sitting there in your baby vortex where time and space no longer exist, and you’re thinking about how people are probably doing things out there. Things that are really exciting- like getting haircuts, and drinking coffee with friends, and wearing clothes that aren’t yoga pants. How dare they? Don’t they know there’s a new baby now?
The first time I got to run into the bank post-baby, while my husband stayed in the car with her I felt like I needed to clear my throat and make an announcement:
‘AHEM. EVERYONE?? EVERYONE! LOOK AT ME PLEASE. HERE I AM. COMING INTO THE BANK. WITH ALL OF YOU OTHER HUMANS. INTERACTING. LIKE A NORMAL PERSON. AND I'M WEARING JEANS. THIS IS NOT A ROBBERY. NO NEED TO LOOK AT ME SUSPICIOUSLY. I'M JUST BEING NORMAL!!”
After I deposited that check I felt like a million bucks. Unfortunately, the check wasn’t for a million bucks. I went home and took more drugs. What a blessed day.
Since our precious girl has never been big on sleeping (and still isn’t- we’re fighting tooth and nail through a 9 month regression as I- fall asleep at the computer- I mean type this.), we were forced to adapt to her routine. We thought the best survival technique would be to morph our schedules into the baby schedule. Here’s what that looked like:
5:00 PM – My husband came home from work! YAY! We would eat a casserole that some kind soul from church had prepared. When I say “eat”, I mean gaze absentmindedly into the sun while cramming food into that hole in our face.
6:00 PM- The 3 of us went to bed. We all slept soundly for approximately 47 minutes until baby girl would need some kind of adjustment. After fixing the problematic diaper, hunger, snap on the onesie, paci, mitt, swaddle, spit up, burp stuck in the tummy, or sock, we would snuggle in for another hour of rest.
9:00 PM- We all got up! Good Morning! I nursed the baby while we waited for 9:30 to come.
9:30 PM- Seinfeld. That’s whats up. This is the event we looked forward to most. If Jerry can’t make you laugh then no one can. Family bonding.
10:00 PM- Begin operation “Coax the baby to sleep during a nighttime time.”
Sometime between 10-12: We all fall asleep.
12:30-1ish AM: Wake up for a feeding and then… DIAPER. BLOWOUT. Wipe down with a tiny baby washcloth. Change into alternate onesie.
1:30 AM: We’re all up anyway- lets watch “Modern Family.” (Bet ya didn’t know it comes on at 1:30 AM did you??)
2:00-5:00AM: Eat leftover chocolate cake. Wonder why everything is wet. Change clothes. Change the baby’s clothes. Things are still wet. Why? Oh well. YOLO. Fall asleep. Wake up. Hold the paci in the baby’s mouth while balancing your body weight on a kitchen chair and fall asleep. Sing a song. Say a prayer. Solve a math problem. Just kidding about the math problem. Take a pill. Drink some water. Nurse the baby. Start some laundry. Moby the baby and finally fall asleep on the couch with said baby mobyed to yourself for extra safety.
6:00 AM: GOOD MORNING SUNSHINES! Time to start the day! Make extra large pot of coffee.
It’s a wild ride. But so much fun. I cannot remember laughing harder in my life than I did with my sweet husband in the middle of multiple nights in the beginning. It’s all a million times worth it when your baby smiles at you or looks you straight in the eye and you know they know who you are. It’s awesome.
So, a million congrats to Leslyn and DJ. Remember, the post partum calories don’t count. One day you’ll sleep again. (I’m still telling myself this.) (Kidding.) (Kidding… kind of.) And take 1 million pictures.